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I NEED OUT [19 Jun 2005|09:25pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

This is the last straw for me, I am so sick of being hurt and treated like crap. I have to get all this shit done for school or there goes my diploma, well my brother randomly walks into the room and sprays my art work with a water gum causing it to run, and not a damn thing is done. I am so fucking over this place!

(any thoughts?)

finally a ray of hope [17 Jun 2005|10:21pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Just wanted to write this down before I get sad and forget -
well I didn't cancel my counselling appt. (thankfully) and I felt I have an AMAZING conversation with her and I feel at this moment (as I cry for probably the first time in a LONG time) out of happiness - I feel hopeful I feel like I can do this, I know I'm not over the worse but my god I am sooo happy right now. I am sure you are very glad to hear this. Heather has said that my mother is abusive, that she not only has (and does) SEVERLY abused me to the point of worthlessness but she acts like an abuser with the way she told me my aunt thinks I'm fat and what not so to destroy any relationship possible with my aunt, and to isolate me and make sure that I feel about this big |-----| at all family functions, and the way she refers to Cotten as that little bitch because she assumed that I was telling people our “family secrets” and she wants me never to tell anyone because she knows she’s wrong. She also wants me to have no supports because that’s another way she can isolate me and out all her anger on me. Heather made me say “my mother is the sick one” and I am supposed to say it anytime she does anything that hurts me but like this (in my head) “My mother is the sick one and I am the one who will be better and I can be happy” and I guess I’ve always known that it would be considered abuse I always hid it when I was younger because of fear of being removed from my house. And I used to talk to this guy Brian from the kids help phone back when you were allowed to ask for specific counsellors, and he used to ALWAYS say to me “Megan, I don’t understand how you turned out to be such an amazing person when your parents are such monsters” and he always told me that I should call child and social services and get out (and that was back when I was fourteen) and I always got upset when people would say my parents are abusive and Heather says that’s normal to be afraid that you are over exaggerating because there are good times, but she said I need to know that if my parents ever do anything I feel afraid or embarrassed about telling anyone then its wrong, and even though I don’t think highly of myself I need to know that she thinks this, and she said she knows Cotten must think it too, I deserve more than this, and I do really believe that, I don’t want to feel anymore like why not me, and why I am I so hard to love. I want to be able to look at it like this “well, if Miss. Cotten is willing to fight for me and fight with me, and Adrienne is willing to love my unconditionally and always be there no matter what, and Ian thought of me the whole time he was away and missed me terribly and called me first chance he got, then it doesn’t matter that my mother never hugged me or told me that she loved me, it doesn’t matter what terrible thing she can think up to say to me - I don’t care anymore” and that’s starting now, I’m going to try so hard not to care anymore. Now realise you are probably smiling right now thinking finally a break for her (that’s what I am thinking) well heres when I’m going to drop a bomb on you - even better news she’s going to get me on student welfare and get me out of my house, I don’t have to stay on welfare long, I can go off when I am making enough money to support myself, or I can stay on it while I save for school, whatever I want, I am not by any means fixed yet, but I feel so much different than I even felt earlier today. I have decided about the art thing that I will work as hard as I can to get as much done as I can, if I get it all done and pass AWESOME, if I don’t when I come back to Bluevale next year it could a lot easier for me to achieve the marks I can get because I won’t ever have to go home. Heather and I also talked about. Now that this letter has taken you half your day to read - I will tell you all the rest later
And I WILL have a good weekend

(1 beauty) (any thoughts?)

[14 Jun 2005|11:15am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

If I can just get it in my head that I need me to get better maybe I could stop falling apart long enough to make an actual effort, Ian and I are talking about getting a place together and I really think that that could be the answer that not being here could solve all my problems, well not all my problems but it could be a foundation that I could work on, that I could get better for me - and I'll probably eventually go back to high school to apply to college but in all honesty I just don't know that I can face those people again, I mean the train wreck roller coaster ride I have taken this year doesn't just effect me, and even though I have some of the greatest people stand behind me holding me up, maybe I was just too much this year for them, I know I was too much for me, but its really hard to hold yourself up and try to keep on keeping on, and I just don't know how I can keep on when I don't know where I am going, and I feel completely empty sometimes, like I have no fuel left and that’s when I need help, and what if I just can't get the momentum going? what if I never stop feeling like this, well I mean the truth is I can't feel like this forever because its too much, and maybe I have already been fighting too long, and maybe I'll never win, but I don't want to lose, I mean I don't want to die and my counsellor wants me to find somewhere in me a time or a feeling or something that reminds me of a time when I was happy and wanted to go on with everyday and name that part of me and bring it out on my shoulder and then if I feel really low to think about that - and maybe I've decided that I will call it "I want to live" because I really do and I don't want to bring people down with me, but I have this tendency to suffocate people because I feel suffocated, and if any this makes any sense to you then know this I WANT TO BE HAPPY again, and I know that if I believe (even if I am alone) that I DESERVE to be happy then maybe somehow I can get there, and I can stop bleeding everyday and instead laugh without the suffocating clouds of unhappiness behind all my giggles - and I love that you can make me laugh when I am at my worst - but what know? what happens (and you need to seriously answer this) what happens to our friendship now?

(any thoughts?)

just thoughts - just not feeling very good [10 Jun 2005|11:22pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I look in the mirror and I feel so dissatisfied and I just want to cry and my stupid mother doesn’t help, I have been throwing up for 2 days and what does she say to me? Well at least you’ll lose some weight - well you know what I want to say back
“Well you know what Mother fuck you, because at least even though I am fat I have a personality, I know how to show compassion, I have loved something in my life, I have hobbies I have interests, and I can look past the weight on other people, I show what I am feeling and I know how to laugh, and I don’t mean just laugh I mean LAUGH I make people smile, people want to be a part of my life because they see something in, something past my weight or my flaws they see someone with a future, and what do you have? A broken family that you try to make appear to the outside world as perfect, while you fuck up everyone in it. You have screwed up the life of your children just because you never did what you wanted to and you can’t cry you have nothing and nothing to look forward because you will never be satisfied, and I don’t care anymore I don’t care if your not satisfied with me because I have come too far and worked too hard to let your judgement hurt me anymore - I am so over this - I’m so out”
I want to look in the mirror and see something good, I want to see something worth looking at

(any thoughts?)

Theres a Monkey [02 Jun 2005|03:47pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Seems that things have gone back to the same old shit. All I heard all night at the wedding shower was “she could have been this” she could have been that” but what about who I am? SO what I am fat - that’s me, SO what I am artistic and not athletic - that’s me. She needs to learned to take me as I am or just fuck off and die. She never mentioned that I am graduating, nothing about my art, or dance - all negative. She got all caught up in what I am not and probably will never be - and most importantly NEVER want to be. It really upset me a lot, I just can’t understand how like on minutes she is like the best mom ever and everything I asked for and then she just turns back into that bitch, it feels like a good slap in the face. Like her comments about my co-op board - doesn’t she see how incredibly stressed I am. Yesterday I wasn’t really feeling my co-op project, so my grandma took me to Zellers to pick up some crafty things for it and I saw this book like a journal or something and on the front it said “STARRING ME!” and it had these amazing colour schemes and I loved it and that has become my theme for the project and I wish I had the money to get that journal because it absolutely beautiful. SO I come home and start spray painting and all that shit and then it turns out like sooo ugly - I feel like I worked sooo hard and waited so much time for it not to turn out. So the lack of excitement about the project has resurfaced. I tried to kind of start over today and get rid of my bad mood and I just couldn’t I feel like its following me. All I keep thinking is I am getting closer and closer to the project date and I am falling further and further behind in my sleep and I am just not gonna make it on time. And I just want to scream.
Okay - and now the topic I didn’t want to get to but have to;
(Insert name here) - well first of all - why the heck do I always put myself into the worst relationship positions. I don’t need the stress, or do I have the time it will take to go threw that again. Plus she ended it last time when she went away to (insert place here), so what happens when she goes back to ... again? Or say that we did get together and she doesn’t end it she’ll be in ... enjoying her ... and I’ll be here doing nothing missing her and getting fatter. Plus when I dated her before there was the whole stress thing of oh my god what if someone I don’t want to find out finds out, and how do I tell people and yadda yadda yadda and I ‘m not sure I can do that again, and I don’t even think I really feel that way for her anymore, and mean she went away to ... left me here and whored it out there, I don’t really respect that, I mean sure maybe that’s how she wanted to handle it but it Isn’t appealing to me. Maybe because I know a little to much about that. So I guess I don know if I feel she is really worth the hassle anymore. I do know that when I was with John I always felt suffocated because I felt I had been getting somewhere figuring what I am and what I like and who I am and that I did really like him at first but more and more I began to realise that I was stuck with him. Hmmm make sense? Also when my mom started to get suspicious she made the priest of my god damned church come over and talk to me, saying that I was just settling for Julia because I didn’t think I was good enough for any guy. Well that may be there opinion but I have memories of being attracted to …uhmmm…well… not boys since like grade 6 - yes that’s like back when I was 11 or 12 -come on its not a settling, its something inside me. I do like boys but I don’t know - I’m not sure I understand, and I should probably go back to glow I have been so busy lately but ARGHH - its something I have never talked to my counsellors about no one except like Ian and glow people, and I think a told Doyle and well you - that’s it -wait nope I mentioned it in a poem back in writers craft so maybe Banks knows - hmmmm
Well I should get back to my freaking project - I might just skip media tomorrow (it’s a work period) and head right in to see you and work in the LAC on my stuff - I can’t really stay much after art because I have counselling - but maybe I’ll see if I can get Grandma to pick me up at like 2 at the school and take me straight to counselling so I can work for a while on my project

Later Megs

p.s. I have been blessed with some really great people in my life and I know it, and its not all bad but hopefully one day it will be more good than bad

(any thoughts?)

Keep on keeping on [31 May 2005|07:51pm]
[ mood | angry ]

well things have been up and down since my second return to the hospital - yes I returned to the hospital once again, but I only stayed 3 days that time and I am feeling a bit more confident about being out and trying to cope. As I have said before the highs in my moods are uncontrolable and the lows are unbearable - but hopefully I can get all that under control and just be me again - I guess in a way the mood swings are me - but I seriously have to control them. so, I guess I should say I am doing a bit better now - still not coping well with the alone days - not liking the whole being alone thing with my mother not being home and my being home alone and the temptation to cut and feeling like I did my time in the H why am I not better - but I understand I have to wait it out and everything but what happens when I get really down and there is no one there to help me - and I always feel so guilty calling people when I need them and I never know where to draw the boundary line and I already feel like I've put too much on your shoulders and I just freak out so easy and I don't know who else to freak out at - like I mean when I get mad at my mom I freak out at me. and I never feel adaquite to any fucking situation
sorry about all the f words lately - I'll try to cut back - although it is better than smoking :S
The sad news is that my seriously intense crush on a females teacher continues - whats wrong with me?

(1 beauty) (any thoughts?)

[31 May 2005|07:26pm]
I have no more words
(any thoughts?)

There's a time to be honest [24 May 2005|06:37pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I am writing with the regret of having sad news, though I ask you not to be all too concerned - all is well or will be well soon. Life is a struggle - that is something I have learned.
Well you know me I am always down and trying to get through everyday life with this kind of shadow over me. Well this year has been particularly difficult for me, with deciding what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life and feeling like I have no real plan of getting there, the extreme distance between my father and I, Uncle Scott getting engaged, and I was suspended for something I did not do, which also had me expelled from any extra curricular to do with the arts, and destroyed a very close relationship in my life. Then I got into a very dangerous relationship with a married man, and maybe I am just asking for trouble but it got to be a lot more than I could handle. Plus the added stress of work and school and co-op, and trying to get to all my counselling appointments. With all this and the run run run lifestyle I have been living, I have also noticed that even when I am not triggered or stressed I am still down, I have been feeling constantly like I am being suffocated and that everything is hopeless and I honestly don't see much hope for the future - everyone says that my life is just beginning and I feel more like I have been coming towards a road block. I want to be honest with you here you all seem so independent and free and you show such an aura of success and I really look up to that. Last week I made an attempt to end my life, which was interrupted by a phone call from someone from my school calling concerned that I wasn't ok. I never told her my plans but she could tell I was more than just upset and we made a plan that if I made it through that night she would take me to the hospital the following day, that’s were I spent the past week. I slept for basically 5 days straight, I was up from some meals, and visitor hours and slept through the nights. In the hospital they didn't do much for me, just observed and made an attempt at a diagnosis, and now I am home - still dealing with the same stresses, the difference is that I have had a lot of rest and a lot of time to think. I know I want to get better, and I know that I struggle because I have a personality disordered and need to be medicated probably for the rest of my life, and I am taking it easy this week, and getting to my counselling and waiting for my meds to work - I am taking a mood stabilizer, an anti-depressant, and a sedative. I am concerned about the addictiveness of these pills and the fact that I take so much - 4 pills a day, but I know one thing and one thing only - I will get better because have hit the lowest possible low I could have hit. if you'd asked me where I'd be a today 2 weeks ago I would have thought that I would be dead.
I have kept myself at a safe distance from you because I fell I always bring everyone down with my problems, but one of my problems is that I have pushed everyone away and when I need someone I have no one. I am attempting to rebuild a strong support system, and I am going to be so much better than I am and when I get there I want to be able to say "Guys through all the shit I did it"

(any thoughts?)

I've been away [23 May 2005|06:31pm]
[ mood | blank ]

To all of you who know why I've been away thank you for not running in terror the other way - my journey from now on will be a hard one, but there is one thing I know - I am going to get better - whatever it takes - because I cann't go through this amount of pain anymore.
I know you can't understand because I am the only one who feels exactly what I feel the way I feel it and about what I feel.
I need close friends and piles of support right now
I need me

(any thoughts?)

interesting [16 May 2005|06:01pm]
[ mood | angry ]

(x) smoked a cigar
(x) made out with a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
(x) slept with more than 15 people
(x) been called a slut
(x) had a one night stand
(x) had more than just one night stands
( ) lied about how many people you've slept with
( ) lied about it so you can just sleep with someone
( ) slept with someone you don't even know their name
( ) seen someone die
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of your parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) been moshing at a concert
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
( ) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
( ) petted a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
(x) ran a red light
(x) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
( ) danced NAKED in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone roller skating
( ) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed penis in class
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex's clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts
(x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) made porn
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
( ) cheated on a test
(x) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) Forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
( ) French
(x) gone skinny dippin in a pool/LAKE?
(x) Been kicked out your house

(any thoughts?)

[13 May 2005|07:18pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Feeling relivitively low right now - not as low as I was earlier - that was rather scary -I really didn't think I could continue on with the day feeling that low - and what really set me off was what Doyle was saying - she was trying to give me things like it will get better - and everyone always has shit in their lives - ect. and I just didn't feel like that portained to me and I didn't wanna hear it because it didn't make me feel hopeful because its been said to me before - and look at me now - I'm a wreck a complete loser who hurts herself - how freaking pathetic is that.
I got a hold of Lori finally and I am going to be going out with her for breakfast tomarrow - shes really great and I am glad to finally feel like I have someone who isn't obligated to listen to me - listening to me.
Imma head out to visit my grandma a bit later
I still don't really see light at the end of the tunnel - but I am hoping to get there

once again I am gonna try for a no cut day - though it seems trying for that is setting me up for let down

(any thoughts?)

[12 May 2005|06:05pm]
I am totally freaking out right now - I can't get into my hotmail and I need to email someone and I am just so pissed off. I don't know what I'm going to do
I just hate the fact that I know I have to get up tomarrow and face another day when all I really wanna do is go away forever
I hate this I that soooo much
(any thoughts?)

[12 May 2005|05:43pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

my mom fucking threw out my cardboard for this big important art project and I am totally freaking out beccause I am going to fail art and then not graduate and be a big fucking failure for the rest of my fucking life FUCK

(any thoughts?)

[12 May 2005|01:12pm]

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

(any thoughts?)

Letters Written and Never Sent 3 [12 May 2005|01:06pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I had plans of not emailing Cotten today - giving her a day off from me

But I didn't get to talk to her today and ppl at school weren't very nice today - definitly not a good stabble day. BUT the good news is that I didn't cut myself - but after today I am really thinking that I don't wanna go back - ever - but I want so much to GRADUATE this is soooo frusterating and once again I am crying - I handle my stress in not the most ideal way but I didn't cut so I do have something to be proud of

I had a bit of a nap and I woke up sweating like a mad cow and crying - so I felt maybe (even thought I am SOOO tired) maybe sleeping isn;t the best idea right now

Last night at work they were assholes and it really hurt me. I told Shade I wasn't in the best mood and I knew he meant his teasing in a nice way but I asked him not to and he just couldn't stop and it really bothered me, and I was telling him that but hes suck a fucking reject that he can't listen, and then once waterloos power went out we got hit with customers - the good thing was that I had not time to think or feel sad - the bad part was I didn't stop going anf going and Ididn't get to drying dishes (which offen happens) and Shade FREAKED on me about it and I told him to get off his lazy ass and do it his self - him doing that really hurt me and I am not looking at is as forgivable - I really didn't see him as someone who would be such an asshole.

But right now I am sitting alone in my living room singing at the top of my lungs haha and the song I am listening to is actually making me think of Cotten and the support she gives me - so thats actually why I finally decided to email her - its not a love song LOL haha but you know me with my country musis - but at least this one is making me feel good

I called my counsellor and told her I was stressed and she barely even really talked to me - argh - I can't talk to her and it pisses me off - stupid interns

well Imma go - this song isn't soo happy

(any thoughts?)

At least its not my knife [12 May 2005|12:26pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I called my cousellor cause was feeling really down but did she help me? not at all - for gods sake I hate her
Before anyone read this journal please try to understand that I do not actually hate people sooo much - I say things when I am angry and with this being my journal I can say whatever the hell I pleases
Today people were rather cold to me and it got me really down and instead of going and pulling out that old razor I pulled out some pot and got myself feeling better - not the best solution but still better than cutting
Cotten wasn't at school today and I found incredibly difficult knowing that if I was upset (and I really was) that I couldn't go to her - and I did go to the room - she said I could and I could talk to any of the teachers - but they weren't very nice - maybe I read to much into it - but they didn't seem like they wanted me there
arghhhh - to feel wanted

(any thoughts?)

Just got home from work [11 May 2005|06:21pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I feel so crappy right now, I've just been crying and crying - the kind of crying that hurts way down deep in your stomache - I will kill for someone to just hug me and let me cry right now, like the kind of crying when you are holding it in because you know if you don't you will be crying out loud. I can't fix me - I need help - I need help so badly

Right now I feel completely empty and hate it I hate the fear and the loneliness and the emptyness, I hate the constant pain on my legs (which I think might be infected) and I hate the constant negging at me to do it again do it again.

I wanna feel better - I wanna stop faking happy and BE HAPPY

cause I can't do this LIKE this anymore

(any thoughts?)

[11 May 2005|09:49am]
Right now I am just crying and crying, I don't wanna go to counselling and I don't wanna ever see my counselor but if I don't call she said she will haveta do something
vgn fg, xv v /. cxbgni
I am just so mad right now
(any thoughts?)

What the FUCK is wrong with me? [10 May 2005|08:34pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I am starting to feel down again - starting to yearn for that nife starting to want to cry - and I don't even know why
I am sick
VERY sick

(any thoughts?)

Finally Felling Somewhat Better [10 May 2005|07:04pm]
[ mood | content ]

Right now I am feeling great and have all the confidence in the world that I will make it through tonight without my razor - I am still upset but after dance class I feel like a million bucks because I had sooo much fun.

Staying away from anything that may cause a fight - just sitting drinking my 1.5 leter of water

See you tomarrow and I'll deal with the shit tomorrow ie work and counselling tomarrow - for now I just wanna relax

(any thoughts?)

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